Sometimes I want to know why. In the midst of a dark day or darker night I hurl questions at the ceiling and feel them bounce back. Why this? Why then? Why me? Why them? Why? Are things really meant for a purpose? Do I really believe that God can work all things together for good, even awful things? Could my life now be part of the purpose to my pain?
I was going through some old journal entries recently and found this. It made me smile. There are probably lots of reasons why this doesn’t make sense. Please remember, it’s just a journal entry and it was late at night when I wrote it. I am sharing this with you in case it resonates with where you are right now, you need a smile, or maybe are just hungry for pie.
Today I dare. I dare to step into the spotlight and speak my language. I dare to write what I know I must write, what I fear I must write, what must live outside of me once and for all. I will open my mouth, free my fingers and let them sing. I will sing through writing, sing through poetry, sing through blog posts baring my soul. Yes, I will sing.
I hear my voice now. I hear its squeak, then hear it warmer and warmer until its vibrato soothes and sparks a spirit both in myself and in others. I will sing and I know. This is why I am here. This is why I am alive. This is the why for all the pain, the why for the suffering, the grief, the loneliness, the hurt, the ripping open and breaking apart, the violation and abandonment. This right here, right now. This is the why. Today is the why.
I am the why. I am worth the why. I am the because to the why of the past. I am the because to all that was ever before, all that lies murky in my memories, all that floats up above hope too far to reach. I am the because. I am the because to the whys pounded into pillows, to the socks hurled across the room, the feet stamped, the four-letter words screamed to the sky, the backs of car seats pummeled in dark parking lots. I am the because.
Because today I live. Because I eat. Because I celebrate. Because I grieve. Because I get angry and rage and scream and cry. Because I reach out. Because I let others reach in. Because I fight, I try, I keep asking myself, my younger self, to speak, to try, to keep trying. Because I write. Because I did write, do write, will always write. Because this is how I breathe. Because this is how I reason, think, process and dream. Because this is where today ends and tomorrow begins. Because this is where it all comes together, it all rides away to something else, something better. Because today is all I know and it is a gift. Because I am hungry and I want pie and I will eat it for my snack tonight. Because today is just one day and being snippy does not mean I’m a bad person. Because today I see myself, have been seen, am seen. Because I am loved. Because I am lovable. Because, because, because. Just because. That is all and that is enough. Good night.